punny

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

6. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

8 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

9 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

10 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

11 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

12 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

The Vicars Salary

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one
wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago,
stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a
new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education
of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to
say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help, and he said, 'F**k the Vicar'.

I had been saving up a huge turd all day

and when it finally needed to meet it's watery grave, I knew it was going to be trouble.

It felt like I was shitting out a motorcycle helmet. With spikes on it.

Suffice to say, the excrucitaing pain I was suffering wasn't normal. This was confirmed by a 'drip drip drip drip' after the dreadnaught had sunk to firing depth.

The dripping sound was blood pouring from my damaged arse. In horror, I quickly stuffed a load of bog roll up there & drove as fast as I could to the doctors.

Upon arrival, I staggered in, pale faced, nearly in tears and in a lot of pain. I pointed out to the mini-hitler on the recpetion that I needed to see a doctor urgently. Seeing my distress and being a compassionate type, she refused to help me until I'd told her what was so urgent that I had to see a doctor straight away.

I'm sure I heard her sniggering as I was taken in to see the doctor.

I then had to suffer further humiliation as the doctor (male - I insisted) then spent a good ten minutes poking about my arse 'umming and ahhhing' over whether or not stitches would be required. The Bastard.

He eventually decided that none would be required, gave me a prescription for some 'special cream' and told me not to strain so hard in future.

I now drink copious of lager every night, to ensure that my arse is never troubled by anything more than rusty water and grapeskins.